Comments on: Read this scene, please–does it need work?

By: katty

katty — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 05:37:59 +0000

It is very choppy. I had tor re read the opening paragraph several times to fully understand. The wording feels a mixture between slang, txt and really not clear and no possibility of making it visual.
ex:

The opening of the sunset scene and office cubicles in the same sentence
Pull me in with a description of the sunset and a description of the outside environment.
Tell me about the office, the workers, the cubicles.
Then make me visualize the bar and surrounding bars, the patrons.

If it is not important enough to describe and interest me, then why mention it? Make the words count

Then think about those suggestions and see if you can apply it to the rest.

I had to read this several times to even sorta understand the purpose.
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just my opinion
We all have opinions and taste. So take it all with a grain of salt

By: Dulcinea Molina

Dulcinea Molina — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 05:24:59 +0000

these characters seem way too intense and desperate to want weed. i’d give them harder drugs; there’s a lot more freedom for character developement with dangerous addictions.

nice work though
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By: Sparechange

Sparechange — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 04:58:59 +0000

I can't help but feel like this is a page out of a short story. The way it's written feels abrupt and choppy. If your entire book is to be written the way this passage was it's either going to have the length of a novella or be a very tiring novel to read.
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By: Katie

Katie — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 04:44:59 +0000

its ok…a tad boring but yeah its good well written
EDIT: thanks…its a talent
answer mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090822232306AAOlhQr&r=w
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